1 DPO!

Oh my goodness, was this cycle a whirlwind.

I've been testing for ovulation using OPKs, and Wednesday's line was too faint.  So then Thursday afternoon, I got a very dark line that was not yet positive.  I figured it was going to be completely positive by Friday morning.

Boy, was I wrong.

Friday morning - the line was so faint I could hardly see it.  I was devastated.  Had I missed my surge? It certainly seemed that way. I called my donor clinic, who said it seemed that between 5PM on Thursday and 9AM on Friday, I had my LH surge.  I could still catch my ovulation though! However, they didn't have the specimens I needed except in their main office, 2 hours away without traffic.We decided to go for it - I had all the symptoms: a headache a day before (I always get them around the time I ovulate, weird), EWCM on Thursday, and on Friday before we tried my cervix was low, soft, and felt what I believe to be open. So fingers crossed!

It's baby week!

Cycle day 14 and it's OVULATION WEEK! Actually, I won't ovulate until Friday or Saturday, but I'm going to start testing tomorrow just to ensure that I won't ovulate early.  We are going to wait until the line is really dark this time, because I'm starting to fear that I inseminate early. I'm not going to stress this time. I'm going to remain confident that September is our month.  I think it would be so perfect; a June baby, and we could tell friends and family at Christmas. Please oh please, let it be this month!

I just want a baby :(

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so bummed out today - maybe it's the medications, or the heat here in Los Angeles, or...I don't know.  I just know I'm ready to be a mother.  I wish this process wasn't so complicated.

Clomid Day 4- and life is hard.

After a four day weekend, I thought I would be refreshed and ready for work! I love my job, so it's not that hard.  However, being back at work is just making me scrutinize every little thing that is wrong with it.  The wife and I want to relocate so badly, and it's weighing heavy on my heart lately.  We've been talking about buying a house with her family, and while I was initially gunning for it, I'm starting to have a change of heart.  I don't know if I can live with them - for many reasons.  But the main reason is that I feel so connected to a city we've visited over half a dozen times. I want to start applying to jobs there because I feel so unfulfilled in this one.  I feel that I am being less favored by my supervisor over someone with less seniority who has been here less than half as long as I have.

And of course, I want our baby.  I'm tired of waiting.  In two weeks I'm going to have to ask for an altered schedule so I can go pick up our specimen when I ovulate. It's such a pain, and nobody at work knows that we're going through this.  The Clomid is definitely making me super emotional, which is hard too.  I had to step out of my office today to cry because of something that usually doesn't make me upset! I'm just a mess and I'm hoping to get out of this rut soon.

I am heartbroken. I really thought that a cycle of Clomid would help. After I saw that I had started yesterday, I came out in tears to tell my wife.  We held each other and cried for awhile, then relinquished that next month will come, and we will be able to try again.

It's hard. Conceiving is hard.  You hear about people being surprised when they were being careful.  We want one so bad. I know, it's only the second cycle, it happens eventually, it takes awhile.  But it doesn't make it any less painful.

I think the hardest part is that I doubt myself and my body when it doesn't work.  Maybe I did it when the OPKs were too light.  Maybe we missed the window.  Maybe I didn't defrost the sperm right.  Maybe they died too soon.  It's so tricky and disappointing and I feel like I'm too blame.

But I'm going to remain positive for the next cycle. I'm going to eat more healthy. I'm going to exercise more. I'm going to invest in some more vitamins other than just a prenatal.  We'll get the baby that we've been dreaming of.

Disappointment.

So I'm on cycle day 12 with no Positive in sight.  I took two tests on Sunday, CD 10, that were inconclusive.  CD 11 was a BFN, and so was CD 12's test this morning.  To say I am disappointed is an understatement.  I'm hoping for better things in the next month.

I spent the weekend trying to ignore all symptom spotting and relax. And I did! My wife took me to a great hotel and we spent the weekend in the pool and relaxing. But now it's home, back to reality, and being reminded that I am indeed not pregnant.

If I get my positive later in my cycle, great! But I am due to start my period today so I am waiting for that. I'll have a good cry, and get back to trying to conceive all over again.  However, I plan on doing things a little different next cycle.