1 DPO!

Oh my goodness, was this cycle a whirlwind.

I've been testing for ovulation using OPKs, and Wednesday's line was too faint.  So then Thursday afternoon, I got a very dark line that was not yet positive.  I figured it was going to be completely positive by Friday morning.

Boy, was I wrong.

Friday morning - the line was so faint I could hardly see it.  I was devastated.  Had I missed my surge? It certainly seemed that way. I called my donor clinic, who said it seemed that between 5PM on Thursday and 9AM on Friday, I had my LH surge.  I could still catch my ovulation though! However, they didn't have the specimens I needed except in their main office, 2 hours away without traffic.We decided to go for it - I had all the symptoms: a headache a day before (I always get them around the time I ovulate, weird), EWCM on Thursday, and on Friday before we tried my cervix was low, soft, and felt what I believe to be open. So fingers crossed!

It's baby week!

Cycle day 14 and it's OVULATION WEEK! Actually, I won't ovulate until Friday or Saturday, but I'm going to start testing tomorrow just to ensure that I won't ovulate early.  We are going to wait until the line is really dark this time, because I'm starting to fear that I inseminate early. I'm not going to stress this time. I'm going to remain confident that September is our month.  I think it would be so perfect; a June baby, and we could tell friends and family at Christmas. Please oh please, let it be this month!

I just want a baby :(

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so bummed out today - maybe it's the medications, or the heat here in Los Angeles, or...I don't know.  I just know I'm ready to be a mother.  I wish this process wasn't so complicated.

Clomid Day 4- and life is hard.

After a four day weekend, I thought I would be refreshed and ready for work! I love my job, so it's not that hard.  However, being back at work is just making me scrutinize every little thing that is wrong with it.  The wife and I want to relocate so badly, and it's weighing heavy on my heart lately.  We've been talking about buying a house with her family, and while I was initially gunning for it, I'm starting to have a change of heart.  I don't know if I can live with them - for many reasons.  But the main reason is that I feel so connected to a city we've visited over half a dozen times. I want to start applying to jobs there because I feel so unfulfilled in this one.  I feel that I am being less favored by my supervisor over someone with less seniority who has been here less than half as long as I have.

And of course, I want our baby.  I'm tired of waiting.  In two weeks I'm going to have to ask for an altered schedule so I can go pick up our specimen when I ovulate. It's such a pain, and nobody at work knows that we're going through this.  The Clomid is definitely making me super emotional, which is hard too.  I had to step out of my office today to cry because of something that usually doesn't make me upset! I'm just a mess and I'm hoping to get out of this rut soon.

I am heartbroken. I really thought that a cycle of Clomid would help. After I saw that I had started yesterday, I came out in tears to tell my wife.  We held each other and cried for awhile, then relinquished that next month will come, and we will be able to try again.

It's hard. Conceiving is hard.  You hear about people being surprised when they were being careful.  We want one so bad. I know, it's only the second cycle, it happens eventually, it takes awhile.  But it doesn't make it any less painful.

I think the hardest part is that I doubt myself and my body when it doesn't work.  Maybe I did it when the OPKs were too light.  Maybe we missed the window.  Maybe I didn't defrost the sperm right.  Maybe they died too soon.  It's so tricky and disappointing and I feel like I'm too blame.

But I'm going to remain positive for the next cycle. I'm going to eat more healthy. I'm going to exercise more. I'm going to invest in some more vitamins other than just a prenatal.  We'll get the baby that we've been dreaming of.

Disappointment.

So I'm on cycle day 12 with no Positive in sight.  I took two tests on Sunday, CD 10, that were inconclusive.  CD 11 was a BFN, and so was CD 12's test this morning.  To say I am disappointed is an understatement.  I'm hoping for better things in the next month.

I spent the weekend trying to ignore all symptom spotting and relax. And I did! My wife took me to a great hotel and we spent the weekend in the pool and relaxing. But now it's home, back to reality, and being reminded that I am indeed not pregnant.

If I get my positive later in my cycle, great! But I am due to start my period today so I am waiting for that. I'll have a good cry, and get back to trying to conceive all over again.  However, I plan on doing things a little different next cycle.

WHY?!

At 8DPO, I got too cocky and decided to test on a Target brand digital test. Why, oh why did I get so excited?! Of course, it was negative. I expected it to be. I knew it would be.  But I went ahead and tested anyway.  Even if the cramping I had experienced on Wednesday (at 6DPO) was implantation cramping, I wouldn't experience a positive test until 72 hours after that, which is tomorrow. And even then, I'm hesitant.

Baby shoes I ordered out of excitement weeks ago came today and made me feel even more apprehensive. I'm so scared that it didn't work. I doubt myself continuously. Maybe I ovulated too late, or too early, or we didn't inseminate close enough to my cervix, or maybe I didn't ovulate at all! Sigh. Can I just get my positive already?!

So today is officially 7 days since we inseminated, and I'm feeling still fairly positive.  I've been eating right, working out, and generally trying to stay positive.  I've had some cramping in my right since about 4PM yesterday, which is different from last cycle.  My breasts have had some pain, and I had major heartburn yesterday.  However, I think this may just be residual from the Clomid.  I'm trying not to read too hard into symptoms, but it's so difficult.  AF is due on Thursday, so we'll know for sure then.  Fingers crossed we got it right this time though!

The wife has been SO supportive of me and all of this.  She's very excited that hopefully something transpires this time.  We were so fortunate and I believe the timing was great, so fingers crossed that our little nugget is growing!

Day after insemination!

We tried it again!

On Wednesday, after getting test after test of negatives, I got a very strong second line on my OPK.  Always wanting to jump the gun, I texted my wife and she said to order our swimmers!  Luckily, they were receiving a shipment of our number one donor that afternoon.  I was able to (at the behest of my supervisor) leave work early to go pick them up before the office closed.  

I tested Wednesday at 7:00PM and got a line as dark as the control line.  Our Nurse Practitioner said to inseminate around 12-24 hours after a positive OPK, so Thursday at around 4:00PM we inseminated.  Things were much less awkward and more efficient this time around.  I'm definitely trying to stay positive and know that things will work out for the best, even if it doesn't happen this time around.  

I've been having family issues these last few weeks that have taken a huge toll on my mental health.  It hurts me so badly to know that we could be starting a family and some members aren't going to cherish the memories that we begin with our little one. At a concert on Wednesday, when the artist was singing personal songs about the pain of a parent who doesn't want you, I just lost it.  But I know that I have to keep going, for my wife and our future family.  I'm going to be stronger than that, and I'm not going to give my child that kind of life.  I will always remember to put my baby's health and well-being ahead of mine.  I'll never let my child feel unwanted or helpless.  I don't even have this baby yet and I already know I would do anything to make sure it gets a happy healthy life, full of everything it could ever want.  

Sorry for the emotions, things are just difficult right now! But we'll get through it.

Happy Friday!

But first, an introduction!

Hello and welcome!

I need a place to write and vent and discuss our story, and this seems like a good enough place.

Let's start from the beginning:

two late twenties women looking to start a family.

We've been together for nearly nine years, married for three, and ready to expand our love to someone else.

Three dogs, three rabbits, and a cat all ready to meet their new sibling.

Looking to relocate from Los Angeles area to somewhere new and inviting for same sex families - we have our heart set on Seattle.

After much searching, we found an anoymous frozen donor, and did an intracervical insemination in July at 12 hours after OPK was positive - which was unsuccessful. On to cycle 2, which is assisted with 100 mg of Clomid on cycle days 5-9.

Thank you for reading and I hope to post all my things soon!